When did you know?

The most pertinent question in your quest for religious answers is - What made you challenge your faith? Was it a singular incident which switched on your agnostic light bulb? Was it a series of events that repeatedly made you look deep inside, search high and low, scroll the scriptures and yet fail to give you any logical answers?

In my case, it was a bit of both.

Throughout my childhood, I constantly wondered why there were some people were born with deformities and others without.
I wondered why so many people were out on the streets starving to death while others were throwing good, clean and edible excess food in the garbage.
I wondered how some people walking on a footpath could be killed by a drunk driver who would walk away relatively unscathed.

Later, as part of my profession, I came across people of all ages (children and babies included), who would be infected with a life-threatening disease for no fault of their own. Many of them even succumbed to this disease, some of them in front of my very own eyes.

Not only did some of these incidents leave me emotionally scarred, something that I had to learn to deal with over time and with the aid of a therapist, but it also made me question what god was up to. My Christian family and friends said it was all part of 'god's big plan- one that my tiny human brain couldn't possibly fathom'. My Hindu friends would say it's 'Karma' - a result of the bad deeds a person had done in a past life and were paying for it in the present. Although I didn't have many Muslim friends back then (as a coincidence, not out of choice), I can safely wager they would have said something similar. Through it all, one irrefutable thought process stuck in my head - it all didn't make sense.

Why would god bother to create 'faulty' humans, doesn't he love us all equally? Was he trying to teach me a lesson, something on the lines of "You are blessed, so praise god that he made you complete and normal"? Sounds more like a threat to me.

On a broader scale - mass atrocities like war, racism and genocide always troubled me. It made me wonder - how bad do things have to really become before god steps in and says 'Enough'? Is he too busy making other plans, maybe other planets and galaxies? Or worse still, is he just bored and has decided to experiment with human limits of pain and suffering? Perhaps he's doing it to work on the blueprint of the design for a better human being in the future.

Leave aside the description of god in the bible, quran, mahabharata, ramayana or any other religious text. The very concept of god is synonymous with what he's supposed to signify. But none of the questions I've raised makes him sound like an omnipresent, all-knowing and eternally loving entity, does it?

Then, in one daring move, I decided to completely eliminate god from the equation and reality began to fall into place, bit by gruesome bit. The horrifying truth stared me right in the face all along, but I was blinded by the veil of religion, brainwashed since my childhood, christian faith indoctrinated into every fibre of my being. It has been a tough battle since then, fighting all the 'demons' in my head, but I've succeeded in getting rid of most of them. Someday soon, the catharsis will be complete, but till then, I've already begun to enjoy life outside of the 'Matrix'.

So when did you first start seeing the patterns, the irregularities in what should be the most perfect code written by the best programmer that ever exists - past, present or future? When did you begin to realise that you were simply following the commands of going to your church, mosque, temple or sacred place of worship, or reading the scriptures and seeing those syntax errors all through?

When did you know there was a big gaping hole in the fabric of god and religion, and if you dared to look, you would be able to see the truth deep down?

Take the first step

It's time...

Time to pay attention to all those nagging questions in your head and seek out the answers.

Time to challenge your beliefs and accept that it's alright to go against the grain; to choose not to follow the herd.

Time to embrace what you've probably known all along - You are an Atheist/Agnostic, stuck in a closet and perhaps it's time to step out.

Yes, I realise that the idea of being 'in the closet' is somewhat provocative, but I must admit I use the phrase for dramatic effect. But hey, if you're reading this, it probably got your attention so that's the intention, although it's certainly far from the whole objective. I do not intend to offend or appease any one's sexual orientation, if there is any subsequent reference to homosexuality or sex in general, it will contain a religious overview.

However, this blog would like to focus more on people who are confused about their 'religious orientation'. I think it's essential that we question indoctrinated religious beliefs, not only ours but in general, so that we may someday become self-actualized without the need for god(s). In doing so, perhaps we may be able to pass on our scepticism and guilt-free thought processes to our children. Perhaps we may be able to create a human race without dogma, propaganda, prejudice, race, caste, creed and war.

Perhaps we'll learn to exist in peace.

You probably think I'm being unrealistic, but I'm well aware of the long and arduous journey that awaits and I'll admit that I'm scared. Scared of having to face and confront my family, my friends, my colleagues, society and our world at large, because I know they will question me. They will call me a sinner; they will condemn me to purgatory and worse than all else, they will try to 'save' me.

But I am saved. My eyes have opened to the reality of the world we exist in. My questions have been answered rationally, logically and with empirical evidence. So, I've equipped myself with as much knowledge as I can carry and I hope to gather more along the way. And I also know I do not walk alone. I have a distinguished and varied group of people such as Charles Darwin, Richard Dawkins, Carl Sagan, PZ Meyers, James Randi, Sam Harris and many other scientists, sceptics, rationalists and atheists who have begun this journey, some long before I was even conceived. I merely attempt to follow in their footsteps.

So I call out to you, fellow atheist/ agnostic. Come walk with us.

It's Time...to take the first step out of the closet.